The Alarms – Anger, Guilt, & Shame
Anger, guilt, and shame are important alarms. They let you know that you are disconnected from your needs, that needs are unmet, and that a pack of jackals has been howling. It’s important to feel and identify these feelings. It’s equally important not to take action from them. Instead take a look at the thinking and the needs underneath them.
Guilt & Shame
Behind guilt and shame there are jackal thoughts that are some version of “I have been a bad person deserving of punishment”. The concept of deserve has paved the way for over 8,000 years of sanctioned violence. Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than the judgments about good and bad.
As a child growing up with my father, guilt and shame were feelings I felt often. He gave me the message that I should be considering his needs and not my own and that I was a selfish and thoughtless person when I didn’t anticipate or meet his needs. I internalized his voice and became connected to the idea that I was bad rather than to the unmet needs of us both.
Anger
Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from an abusive* relationship anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that their needs have been unmet. But even in this context if action is taken from anger, more violence and unmet needs will likely result.
When I was healing from the relationship with my father, I went through a period of intense anger. I moved from the place of being a child disconnected from her needs to an angry teenager beginning to realize that her needs were valid and that as a parent my father should have protected and nurtured me.
So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?
Acceptance & Space to mourn.
First, there is just to accept the way things are. I don’t mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance.
Second, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, and shame. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually below anger, guilt, and shame. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn’t necessary with anger, guilt, & shame. From sadness or regret you can move to the needs unmet in yourself and others. Responsible action comes from connecting to these needs and acting to meet them.
To not be stuck in anger at my father all my life I had to be willing to accept that my he behaved the way he did and feel the sadness of so many needs unmet in my childhood. In my healing process I spent years reconnecting with my own needs and their validity and mourning the needs unmet in my relationship with my father.
When my father died, I mourned, not because I would miss him, but because he had died in the confused disconnected state he had lived most of his life. He never healed and learned to nurture and honor himself. I honor him and myself by working hard to be aware of the patterns of disconnect he engaged in with me and shifting to a connection and honor of the feelings and needs in myself and others.
*When I use the word “abusive” I am referring to a relationship in which there is neither awareness nor skill to honor and meet the needs of those involved. In contrast, those in the relationship have strategies which meet some needs at a cost to other needs.
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