“Shoulding” the Other Parent
Do you remember being on the playground and someone saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”?
Society has decreed that it’s not okay to push or hit another person, but telling them exactly what you think or trying to control them verbally with words like “should” seems to be OK.
You got an early start with this. Your parents and the other adults in your life certainly thought they knew what was best for you and readily told you what you should or should not be doing.
This gets reinforced by the media, constantly inundating you with how you should or should not be as a person and as a parent.
So, I guess it’s not surprising that you would use this language with the people you are closest to in your life. As a co-parent, the inability to self edit your “shoulds” can leave your partner more bruised than being hit with a stick or stone and will likely result in defensiveness and disconnection.
Kerry and Leo co-parent Isaac and Maria.
Kerry is the primary provider for the kids, while Leo brings in more money. By the end of the day, Kerry is feeling drained, frustrated, and even a little resentful that Leo doesn’t appreciate all she does with the kids.
Kerry needs some relief and has lots of thoughts about Leo when he comes home from work. “You should give the kids more of your attention. You should be more aware of what they need. You should be ready for the handoff of the kids when you get home. You don’t appreciate all the work I do for our kids.”
These thoughts begin to fester and as a release Kerry shares them out loud with Leo.
Leo is tired himself and wishes he could work less and be with the kids more. He hears Kerry’s statements as blame of what a horrible job he’s doing as a parent and is reminded of all the times people have told him how he should live. Leo finds himself getting angry and defensive. He wants to share with Kerry how she needs to change.
Just like a shoot out in the old west, Kerry and Leo are in a stand off, both needing some empathy, both wishing the other would be more like the person they want.
The key to reverse this pattern of disconnection is to learn how to self edit your thoughts.
Your partner doesn’t need to hear all your “should” thoughts about them. When Kerry sits down and hears herself say, “Leo should give the kids more of his attention,” she can begin to identify that she’s in reaction and that she’s feeling exhausted and needing some support.
From this place Kerry can take accountability, share what she feels and needs with Leo and then make a request for what would ease the situation for her.
Monday Mindfulness on “Shoulding” the Parent of Your Kids
*Bring some mindful awareness to when you use the word “should” about your co-parent. Start with just noticing how your body feels when you use this word.
*Flip the switch on the should and see if you can find the place where you appreciate the other parent of your children. Take a moment and fill in the blanks. When I see you (doing some action ) I feel (some postive feeling) because it meets my need for (some important need). Click Here to Download a Feelings and Needs Sheet
*Remember that names hurt as much if not more than sticks and stones. See if you can slow down enough to hear your thoughts before sharing them aloud.
Parenting in a world filled with time constraints can leave you depleted and overwhelmed. You don’t want to force or control your child, but you need some relief from the constant struggles. Here's the good news: No matter what challenges you face as a family, you can find ways to connect. Read More
