Free To Be Parents

By Jason Stein

You’re driving down the street singing along to your favorite tune when mid-chorus, a black SUV with tinted windows cut’s you off going 80 mph.

“You idiot” you shout out loud, thinking that somehow your voice can travel at the speed of light and catch the racing driver.

Then, in total shock, you turn around and see that your child in the back seat is wide-eyed with mouth gaping open.

The jackals* come flooding in, “Crap what I’m I thinking?! I’ve just taught my child it’s okay to call people idiots. I’m not fit to parent. I suck. I’m the idiot.”

If this has happened to you, you’re not alone.

You are not hopeless – just human.

It’s not the mistake you make, but how you clean it up in front of your child, that counts.

The first time I remember an adult cleaning up a mistake with me was when I was a 7 year old cub scout. I entered the pinewood derby car to race.

I spent months designing and painting my car.

In the trials, my car, was fast, real fast, and I knew I would have a great finish.

Before the big race, my step-dad Ron came over with a tube of gel that he told me would make the car even faster.

Wheels greased, I waited excitedly to let go. I heard the whistle and with all the gusto of a turtle, my car moved a few feet and stopped.

Oh No!

As I filled with anger, Ron approached and I threw my anger towards him like daggers. Without wincing he accepted my anger. All of it. He then quietly said, “You’re right. The lube didn’t work.”

Somehow, in that moment he was able to take 100% responsibility and give me the love I needed to mend my crushed derby car hopes.

Monday Mindfulness for Making Parenting Mistakes.

Remember it’s not about being perfect, give yourself some freedom to mess up. You’ll teach your child more about becoming an adult if you make mistakes and clean them up rather than fearing them.

Notice the Jackals blaming you for being a bad parent, stop, and see if you can take full responsibility with honesty to the present situation. This Jackal is here to bring your attention to unmet needs.

Take some time to talk with your child and share the need that was alive for you and if you had to do it again what new strategy you would choose to get that need met.

**** jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.

Parenting in a world filled with time constraints can leave you depleted and overwhelmed. You don’t want to force or control your child, but you need some relief from the constant struggles. Here's the good news: No matter what challenges you face as a family, you can find ways to connect. Read More

Have you ever lied to your child?

There I was sitting in line watching the checker scan my groceries thinking, I wonder if she’ll notice that my baby Jack is eating that scrumptious apple. Nope she didn’t notice.

I headed out of the store and to my car for my quick getaway.  I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my sweet kids strapped into place.

As I savored my triumph over breaking the rules, Sierra whispered from the back seat, “Daddy, you didn’t pay for that apple; isn’t that stealing?”

I was horrified, not that I was busted by my five-year old, but by what I said next.

The Lying Daddy

Well sweetie, it’s not really stealing if I didn’t notice Jack had the apple and we had already left the store.

Sierra, much wiser than me, replied, “You didn’t know he had the apple?  But you gave it to him.”

Uhggg.  What do I do now?  The thoughts came flooding in and before I could manage my reaction, I became stupid and played dumb.  I answered, “Nope, I didn’t know.”

Missing the Opportunities

I missed an opportunity to talk with my child about why I would take something that didn’t belong to me. And I had become a bold face liar!

That night I lay awake in bed wondering why I would tell a lie to my daughter, why I didn’t I just fess up.  How could I expect her to not lie, if that’s what I was doing?

Humble Apple Pie

I awakened the next day trying to rationalize it.  It was only a small white lie.  I chuckled as I tried to defend my actions that countered my values of honesty and authenticity.

Feeling embarrassed, I invited Sierra back to the store.  And like a young child with his hand caught in the cookie jar, I shared with Sierra that I lied.

“I did know that Jack had the apple and I was embarrassed to tell you the truth.  I apologize and promise to be honest with you.”  I grabbed an apple of approximate size, explained to the cashier what had happened, and awaited my sentence.

The cashier shocked me when she smiled and stated, “Thanks for being honest,” as she put the apple aside.

With my heart relieved from the burden of having to hide, Sierra looked me in the eyes with total love and simply said, “It’s okay Daddy.”

I’m hopeful as a parent that I will be able to offer Sierra the same love and generosity when she will someday be dishonest with me.

Monday Mindfulness for the Lying Parent

*Avoid the burden of having to cover up lies from your kids.  If you find that your thoughts are worried or anxious about something you’ve told your children, find a way to express with them a newfound honesty.

*Your kids are sponges for new learning.  Are you treating them with the same respect and compassion or becoming a corporal punisher when you find out they lied to you?

*If you noticed you’ve lied to your children, see if you can give yourself some empathy.  By offering yourself some compassion, you’ll have more freedom from the mistakes we all make as parents.

Being a working parent can be exhausting.

Ending your day and starting the second shift filled with cooking, baths, laundry, and prep for the next day can be numbing.

It’s often extremely challenging to remember to be heart centered when sleep deprivation is kicking in.

You may hear yourself have jackal thoughts like; ”What the hell do you mean you’re not ready for bed, young lady.” or ”No, I don’t care if you’re not tired” and ”No, you can’t have just one more story”.

So, are you stuck either having disappointed kids or less rest for yourself?

Your auto-pilot may say to dig in deeper and push through, but how many parents do you know who do this and become angry and resentful.

The flip side isn’t much better, thinking about just bailing on your kids and letting them be upset as you head to your bedroom.

So, what can you do?

There is a new car company called Better Place. These guys have figured out that just building better cars won’t solve the energy problems we face. They realized that what is needed is a very different way of looking at things.

So, Better Place has designed a recyclable battery for their cars and created a grid of charge stations where you can switch out the battery every 100 miles.

Their new energy saving tools will create twice the efficiency with zero emissions and at the same time eliminate dependency upon gasoline.

So what does the price of oil have to do with being a working parent?

Just like Better Place, it’s time to build a better system to sustain your own needs. If your only solution is to give more to the kids when they want more time, then chances are you’ll end up depleted and sick.

It is possible to create a new system for yourself that allows time for refueling and recharging without taking away from that magic time with your kids.

Monday Mindfulness on Finding Time to Refuel:

Take micro-breaks: Hours of TV may not be healthy for your kids, but 30-minutes of a pre-viewed program may be just the time you need to take a mini-break and do some breathing exercises or take a hot shower.

Check out your own habits: Are you staying up late because your mind is racing? If so, get a journal to put next to your bed and spend some time getting your thoughts out on paper so that you can get that much needed sleep.

Take a walk with the family in the evenings: Being outside will have you getting some fresh air and often helps your kids wind down before bedtime.

Ask for help: It’s humbling to know as parents we can’t do it all alone. Asking your partner or community for help will allow you the time you need to make some self deposits before you go bankrupt.

Click Here for a List of Feelings and Needs

By Jason Stein

There you are, walking down the street and worrying about the thousand of things your kids need. Are they okay at school, eating enough, figuring out how to survive in this insane world?

You notice, to your left, a young, hip couple walking down the street hand-in-hand. They ooze passion as they giggle and talk in low secret voices.

What the hell happened, you think, I wish I never had kids! I wish I were traveling the world, having new adventures. I want back what that couple has.

Can I just give my kids back and start over?

As much as we’d all like to give our kids up for adoption from time to time, there is a deeper piece we miss when fantasizing about life before kids.

We can’t give our kids back, but we can create life again. So perhaps the better question is how can I have my kids and have my life be a mystery again.

Mystery. What the hell does that mean?

The mystery challenges all beliefs. You can’t script write what will happen tomorrow and be open to being surprised at the same time.

You have what it takes to let go of the fantasies (after all, it really isn’t about giving up the kids) and to still create a mind blowing reality

Imagine after his first political loss in 2000, that Michelle and Barack Obama let their dreams die and said, ”Well, we have kids now, we better just buckle down and sacrifice any more politics? It will just be easier to get the day lawyer jobs and 9-5 it until the kids are grown.”

But you’re not like the Obamas?

Well, maybe you are, at heart, and it is simply your jackal thoughts that are convincing you that you don’t have what it takes to make a difference in the world. Why not? Well, because you have kids of course.

What better way to show your kids to dream large themselves than by showing them that you don’t have to sacrifice your dreams for them? You can actually play bigger because of them.

Monday Mindfulness for When You Want to Give Your Kids Back.

*All parenting and no play makes Jane and Johnny bad parents. Take a Friday Night away from the kids and do something that lights your pants on fire. Okay, not literally.

*Don’t think you have what it takes to make a difference in the world besides working, making meals and picking the kids up from school? Notice that you’ve wrestled yourself into a corner. Get out a pen and paper and write what you’re missing. Circle one thing and go for it.

*Get some gentle and firm support to shake things up and evoke a sense of possibility and play. This could be a friend that challenges your belief or maybe a coach or spiritual guide to help you release that old habit energy.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs