Free To Be Parents

By Jason Stein

I was at the grocery store yesterday to get salad dressing.

Do you know how many types of dressing they had? Twenty-Seven.

Now I only needed one bottle, but I had 27 choices.

Thanks to Marketeers we have more choices than ever before.

Why? Because studies show that people like choices.

Did you know that it all started with Pepsi?

You can watch Malcom Gladwell, the author of Blink, explain the history.

The short version is that Pepsi and Prego learned to increase profits by making multiple products.

What Does Pepsi & Profits Have to Do with Choice as a Parent?

Not wanting to make a wrong choice can lead to wasting lots of hours.

Think about the number of choices you’ll make as a busy parent in regards to schools, shoes, clothes, classes, books, food, etc.

That time adds up fast when you’re faced with uncertainty.

Identifying needs can help us out.

Our brains remember details even when we can’t. I remember the Miso dressing I love and the bad Ranch that gave me food poisoning. Since our overactive minds can get stuck in thoughts of likes and dislikes, identifying underlying needs helps us make choices in the moment.

For me, I needed a salad dressing that would contribute to my friends health and well being as well as being tasty. This friend, Kenny, eats only gluten-free and dairy-free.

The number of of salad dressings that meet Kenny’s need is exactly one: Gluten-Free Balsamic Vinaigrette.

It sure makes life easier when you sort out what is really important.

Monday Mindfulness for Time Saving Decision Making

* Almost all products and services come with a Guarantee. Why? Because statistically we’re too busy to ask for a refund. Remind yourself that if you’re not satisfied with your choice, you can ask for a refund.

*Notice when your mind is stuck in trying to make the “right” or “best” decision. Take a moment and sit with what is really important to you. Give yourself a deadline to make a choice and either move forward or know that now is not the time to choose.

* Make fewer choices. Yep. Make a list of all the products, services, or experiences you’d like to have in the next 6 months. Circle the top 3 and set some time-lines for each one.

Parenting in a world filled with time constraints can leave you depleted and overwhelmed. You don’t want to force or control your child, but you need some relief from the constant struggles. Here's the good news: No matter what challenges you face as a family, you can find ways to connect. Read More

No Really – What if we did just dance more in life?

By LaShelle Charde

Attachment in NVC means that at some level you’re thinking, “My needs have to or should be met in this one way.” You have attached one particular strategy to a need or bundle of needs.

Sometimes your strategy is another person. This happens most often with people who play important roles in your life, mother, spouse, best friend, son, or boss.

It’s pretty easy to get caught in the idea that those people are suppose to meet certain needs of yours.

Your spouse is suppose to meet all your needs for intimacy and support. Your mother is suppose to or should have met all your needs for nurturing and unconditional love.

When they don’t respond the way you expect, feelings like anger, resentment, anxiety, desperation, or devastation arise. You might find yourself making demands or threats. All are good signs that you have attached a bundle of needs to one strategy.

In some cases attachment has you carry anger and resentment around for years by thinking over and over again, “My dad should apologize for the mistakes he made as a father. He should take responsibility for what he did.” You want acceptance and understanding around what happened for you in your childhood and you’re attached to those needs being met by your dad.

Abundance in this context means you have many strategies to meet one need. When you have a lot of strategies for meeting your needs, there is a different reaction when one strategy doesn’t work. For example, if your spouse is your favorite strategy for intimacy and support and he or she is unavailable, you’ll likely feel disappointment and sadness rather than anger and resentment.

The key to an abundance of life satisfaction is to notice when your needs are met. When needs are met it’s easy to sort of sail along until you hit a bump and your needs aren’t met.

Sail along with a bit more attention to those times when you are feeling happy, fulfilled, inspired, or energized. What needs were met and how were they met? If you felt happy after meeting with a friend exam exactly what they did. What did they say, how did they listen, what actions did they take? What needs were met?

The more aware you are of an abundance of strategies to meet your needs, the more your life will be imbued with a sense of confidence and equanimity.

Today, notice positive feelings when they arise and connect them to the needs and the strategies that met those needs.

By LaShelle Charde

When you think about screaming at someone you probably imagine a barrage of criticism and blame. If you value kindness, you likely don’t want to scream in this way and at the same time you want to express yourself and stand up for your needs.

A common misperception in learning Compassionate Communication (NVC) is that it means always being calm and kind. In truth the practice of NVC is about being fully alive and authentic.

Sometimes this means feeling angry, exasperated, frustrated, irritated, etc. . . The hard part is when you express difficult feelings in the form of criticizing others. The key is to screaming compassionately is to make what you say about the situation and your experience of it.

When you get home from a long day at work and open the door to a living room strewn with papers, food, and cloths, you might be tempted to scream at your teenage children,

“Didn’t I tell you guys to clean up when you got home! Why can’t you do what I tell you?!”

While this may or may not set them in motion, it certainly doesn’t do much for your relationship. In NVC, it might sound like this:

“Arrg! I feel so angry and frustrated when I see this living room. I need order and help. I am going to take ten minutes to rest before I can talk with you.”

From a NVC consciousness, you recognize that engaging in a dialogue from anger rarely yields effective results. If it does get results, you will pay for those results later. Resentment, disrespect, and a loss of connection are the long term results of interacting while you’re angry. Express that you are angry and then take responsibility for it by walking away and coming back when you are connected with the feelings and needs underneath the anger.

If the parent in the example above came back later and started a NVC dialogue, it might sound like this,

“Hey guys, I am calmer now, would you be willing to sit down with me and talk for ten or fifteen minutes. I am really wanting us to get along around this cleaning issue.”

(teenagers agree to ten minutes).

“When I see the state of the living room, I feel tired and frustrated because I am wanting to feel comfortable at home and a clean orderly house really helps. I want to be sure I am being clear. Could you tell me what you understood me to say?”

This is just the beginning of a dialogue. The emphasis here is on dialogue. That is, you’re expressing your feelings and needs and in a space to hear theirs.

Take a moment to think about the last time you felt angry. How could you have expressed that anger in a way that expressed your needs without making someone wrong?

Click Here for a List of Feelings and Universal Needs