Free To Be Parents

Pema Chodron has a humorous and honest way of bringing compassion and kindness no matter what path you’re walking on.

She illuminates how we can use anger as a teacher and walk away from old reactions in her auidobook “Don’t Bite the Hook.”

Listen as she translates the timeless teaching of 8th Century Poet Shantideva.

Click Here to Listen

If you’re interested you can find the audio program here.

Parenting in a world filled with time constraints can leave you depleted and overwhelmed. You don’t want to force or control your child, but you need some relief from the constant struggles. Here's the good news: No matter what challenges you face as a family, you can find ways to connect. Read More

“I don’t like having needs,” said a class participant named Mike.

We were talking about the reality that we all have needs.

The class discussion was lively as couples voiced some intense feelings about needs.

“And even when I identify that I have needs and what they are, I don’t really believe those needs in life will be met”, Mike continued.

Like Mike, you probably aren’t jumping up and down with excitement, celebrating that you have needs. Think about the last time that you said, “Wow! I’m so excited about how many needs I have.”

One of my mentors, Mark Silver, explains that we are all needy by nature. If you don’t have oxygen for just a few minutes, you die. That’s pretty needy.

Accepting that you have needs, is the first step in getting them met. Once you acknowledge that you have a need, you can also work with your fear about that need not being met.

How? Identify your limiting beliefs.

If you have a fundamental belief that your partner won’t meet your needs and you don’t feel safe expressing them, chances are your thoughts will spiral downward into doom and gloom. You might even stop acknowledging your needs.

However, by naming your belief and thoughts around it, you can choose to think and act differently. You can take a risk and behave as if your needs mattered and will be met. We all have needs and having your needs met will bring new aliveness to your life. It also opens a pathway to realizing that there are many ways to meet a need.

Here is an example.

Being a single father I’m amazed at how quickly my 2 and 5 year old kids can whirlwind the house into a disaster zone.

My old belief had been that I should be responsible for cleaning up after them. However, it sometimes felt overwhelming. And yet, I struggled with asking for help. So, my need for help or support was not even addressed. With time, I became resigned.

“I don’t want to be needy, I don’t even like having the need for support or need for help, but I can’t do this alone. Ugg. I hate having needs.”

That was the first step. As uncomfortable as it was to see that I had this need initially, once I accepted the fact, I began to think about possible solutions.

So, the next day, I took a deep breath and shared with Sierra, “Looking at the clothes and toys all over your floor and the rest of the house, I’m overwhelmed and I’m needing some support in cleaning up.

To my surprise, Sierra said her chore list had been thrown away when her Mom moved out.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help, but that she needed clarity and structure on how to help.

Thinking that Sierra might also need some fun and play around her chores, I went online and found the company Handipoints, that has designed a whole world around making chores fun.

It’s been over a month now that Sierra asks me nightly if we can tally her Handipoints and she’s even asked to add chores to her list.

Monday Mindfulness to Accept Your Needs and Believing You Can Get Them Met.

-Switch your perspective from frustration about having needs to asking, “What about this need allows me to know more about myself and what specific request could I make of myself, my partner, or my kids?”

-Remember that having needs is a human quality and that you’re not alone. Everyone around you has needs too.

-Once you identify your need, use your imagination to see what it would feel like to have that need met.

My Dearest Jason,

You are the One! I am here always here whispering the Truth in your ear.

You can scrunch your eyes and shut your heart closed, but you’re resistance is futile.

For my love is greater than any defensives you create.

And my love will grow each time you:

Think vengeful thoughts about your separated wife

Resist being a father to your children

Make up lies that your not a powerful business man

I hear your pain and see through your illusions.

Know this.

With each resistant thought I grow stronger.

And I will wait an eternity for you.

So that the moment you are exhausted of your temporary sadness or rage.

I will find my way in, uninvited into your heart.

I will soothe you softly and remind you of the embers lighting the dark corners of your soul.

I will blow you soft kisses of appreciation and echo celebrations of your existence.

I will nourish any tenderness and mend any brokenness.

I am more patient than time itself

And you are my only cause.

I am here

And I love you

******************************************************************************

I dare you to write your own self love poem, haiku, or limerick in the comment space below.

Sadness sucks. Why? Because that’s what my parents taught me. “Jason don’t cry. Let’s talk about it. Use your words.” The message was definitely “Don’t be sad.”

From a young age, my parents who might be a lot like yours, taught me to avoid the feelings of sadness at all costs.

Divorce – No problem. Get counseling and talk it out.

Money problems – Just put your head down and work harder.

Big transitions of moving, starting a new school, having one parent – Don’t worry; be happy.

And if you can’t be happy, just join the other 17 million Americans who take an anti depressant and push on.

The problems really occur when sadness gets suppressed for long periods of time. Suppressed sadness can cook and simmer into anger. Ever been the angry parent who snapped and said something horrendous?

I have, and it’s usually related to loss or sadness that life isn’t showing up the way I want it to.

Currently, I am experiencing a lot of sadness, as are my kids, as my wife and I transition into a separation and two homes.

It’s been surprising and freeing to become comfortable with sadness and to be able to support my children in expressing this taboo feeling.

In the last month, we’ve expressed sadness by using clay, drawing pictures, and even identifying what color our sadness is and where sad feelings live in our bodies.

My children and I continue to teach each other that life doesn’t always show up in the ways that we want it to.

By learning to embrace sadness, my children and I are becoming more intelligent about our emotions, both in ourselves and in others.

I invite you to join us as we continue to explore the adventure of sadness.

Monday Mindfulness on Letting Yourself Feel Sadness

• Finding books in the library about sadness, loss, or change can be helpful. In regards to separation, I’m a fan of “Was it the Chocolate Pudding?”

• Instead of rushing for a tissue and trying to stop your child from crying, give them empathy and space and let them know that sadness and grief are normal emotions.

• Take time with your kids to learn about other cultures like Mexico and their famous Day of the Dead ceremonies that support grief as part of life.

By LaShelle Chardé

Anger, guilt, and shame are important alarms. They let you know that you are disconnected from your needs, that needs are unmet, and that a pack of jackals has been howling. It’s important to feel and identify these feelings. It’s equally important not to take action from them. Instead take a look at the thinking and the needs underneath them.

Guilt & Shame

Behind guilt and shame there are jackal thoughts that are some version of “I have been a bad person deserving of punishment”. The concept of deserve has paved the way for over 8,000 years of sanctioned violence. Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than the judgments about good and bad.

As a child growing up with my father, guilt and shame were feelings I felt often. He gave me the message that I should be considering his needs and not my own and that I was a selfish and thoughtless person when I didn’t anticipate or meet his needs. I internalized his voice and became connected to the idea that I was bad rather than to the unmet needs of us both.

Anger

Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from an abusive* relationship anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that their needs have been unmet. But even in this context if action is taken from anger, more violence and unmet needs will likely result.

When I was healing from the relationship with my father, I went through a period of intense anger. I moved from the place of being a child disconnected from her needs to an angry teenager beginning to realize that her needs were valid and that as a parent my father should have protected and nurtured me.

So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?

Acceptance & Space to mourn.

First, there is just to accept the way things are. I don’t mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance.
Second, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, and shame. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually below anger, guilt, and shame. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn’t necessary with anger, guilt, & shame. From sadness or regret you can move to the needs unmet in yourself and others. Responsible action comes from connecting to these needs and acting to meet them.

To not be stuck in anger at my father all my life I had to be willing to accept that my he behaved the way he did and feel the sadness of so many needs unmet in my childhood. In my healing process I spent years reconnecting with my own needs and their validity and mourning the needs unmet in my relationship with my father.

When my father died, I mourned, not because I would miss him, but because he had died in the confused disconnected state he had lived most of his life. He never healed and learned to nurture and honor himself. I honor him and myself by working hard to be aware of the patterns of disconnect he engaged in with me and shifting to a connection and honor of the feelings and needs in myself and others.

*When I use the word “abusive” I am referring to a relationship in which there is neither awareness nor skill to honor and meet the needs of those involved. In contrast, those in the relationship have strategies which meet some needs at a cost to other needs.