Free To Be Parents

A decade ago Bill Cosby had a show on TV entitled, “Kids Say The Darndest Things.”

Each week Bill would ask a question of a 3-8 year old who would respond in a silly, funny, or often profound way. Being a parent, it’s not hard to imagine all that can come out of a child’s mouth.

Just last week, my daughter, Sierra, was asked by a family friend what the word “peace” meant to her. She stopped walking, stared that friend in the eye and said, “Well it’s when I’m angry and I relax my body and let all the good stuff in.”

Like me, I’m certain that there has been several times where your child has said something which stimulated laughter, silliness, or even taught you a lesson about life. However, there are other times that children say words that are sharp and stinging.

Recently, a parent shared with me that his son has started saying, “I hate you Daddy!”

What do we do when are child throws a verbal dagger?

As a parent it can be extremely difficult to not verbally shove back when you’re assaulted.

“You spoiled brat, if only you knew how much I sacrifice for you,” comes to mind.

Yet, this defensiveness creates disconnection when we retaliate and can even reinforce a habitually addiction to try and control and dominate a child for their words.

In compassionate communication it’s helpful to look past what the child is saying and guess what they are feeling and needing.

Since a verbal assault can knock us off center so easily, it can be helpful to practice with an exercise called Jackal* Popcorn.

This is where you find another adult to role play being your child and the two of you practice verbal attacks hurled at you. You can give your adult friend the context of your relationship with your child and a few phrases that your child might use.

Your job is to hear what your child is feeling and needing.

Child: “You suck as a parent, you never let me do anything.”

You: “I’m guessing you’re aggravated and really needing some autonomy.”

Child: “I hate you.”

You: “Are you disappointed that we’re not having some fun with just you and me?”

Child: “You care more about my sister than me.”

You: “Sounds like your sad and needing some fairness.”

Monday Mindfulness to Jackal* Popcorn

-If you find yourself triggered during the exercise with your friend, take some time and give yourself empathy then come back to guessing the feeling and need your child may be experiencing.

-You may be stunned or even irate at a phrase your child says to you. As difficult as it may be, try not to retaliate with words. Take some space and get yourself grounded and centered before responding.

-Remember your child’s verbal nastiness is an ineffective strategy to reach out for love and connection. Just like a tennis player returning a volley, with practice you’ll be able to give a grounded swing no matter how hard that verbal ball is thrown towards you.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.

Parenting in a world filled with time constraints can leave you depleted and overwhelmed. You don’t want to force or control your child, but you need some relief from the constant struggles. Here's the good news: No matter what challenges you face as a family, you can find ways to connect. Read More

During an interview, an American vipassana teacher asked the Dalai Lama to talk about the suffering of self-hatred. The Dalai Lama look confused and asked, “What is self-hatred?”

The interviewer and a room full of therapists shared that self-hatred was rather a common experience in the Western culture.

The Dalai Lama was rather astonished, wondering how anyone could feel that way about themselves, when “everybody has Buddha nature.”

Yet this is such a common experience for many of us, that we are almost bewildered by the Dalai Lama’s statement.

Most of us experienced criticism at a young age. Our teachers, parents, and siblings made comments that stimulated thoughts of not belonging or not doing things the “right” way.

These thoughts often turned into a habit of self criticism which negatively impacted our self esteem.

Like generations before us, when it came to parenting our own children, we have wanted to do it differently.

In the past decade many parenting books and experts indicated that the way to turn this low self esteem around was to reward kids and acknowledge them often.

The idea was that if you focused on your kids, above all else, that they would be happy. This was the path to creating high self esteem. What we want for our kids, of course, is for them to feel good about themselves and to feel good about others.

But this wasn’t so successful either. New research shows that kids who are raised with unconditional approval are not very sensitive to others, often do not work well as part of a team and develop moral and ethical challenges.

So what is the answer?

Instead of thinking in a context of yourself or your kids as low or high self esteem or good or bad parenting, remember that, like Buddha nature, you can become aware and conscious of truly connecting with your kids.

Connection is the answer, bringing awareness back to the present moment and trusting yourself.

This means being physically and emotionally available, and at the same time being able to set appropriate limits and guiding your kids towards autonomy and sensitivity to others.

Monday Mindfulness for create healthy self esteem:

-Zip it. See if you can catch yourself from being a helicopter parent. Take some breaths, don’t respond, and see if a few minutes of silence has your child redirect on their own without input from you.

-Check into your own self worth. If you tend to be critical of yourself, chances are you are being critical to those around you, as well. Take some time to unwind and remember that you are indeed a good person.

-Learn to identify feelings and needs vocabulary with your kids. This will allow the family to increase your emotional intelligence levels and communicate what’s alive when breakdown does occur.

Click Here for a List of Feelings and Universal Needs

Do you remember being on the playground and someone saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”?

Society has decreed that it’s not okay to push or hit another person, but telling them exactly what you think or trying to control them verbally with words like “should” seems to be OK.

You got an early start with this. Your parents and the other adults in your life certainly thought they knew what was best for you and readily told you what you should or should not be doing.

This gets reinforced by the media, constantly inundating you with how you should or should not be as a person and as a parent.

So, I guess it’s not surprising that you would use this language with the people you are closest to in your life. As a co-parent, the inability to self edit your “shoulds” can leave your partner more bruised than being hit with a stick or stone and will likely result in defensiveness and disconnection.

Kerry and Leo co-parent Isaac and Maria.

Kerry is the primary provider for the kids, while Leo brings in more money. By the end of the day, Kerry is feeling drained, frustrated, and even a little resentful that Leo doesn’t appreciate all she does with the kids.

Kerry needs some relief and has lots of thoughts about Leo when he comes home from work. “You should give the kids more of your attention. You should be more aware of what they need. You should be ready for the handoff of the kids when you get home. You don’t appreciate all the work I do for our kids.”

These thoughts begin to fester and as a release Kerry shares them out loud with Leo.

Leo is tired himself and wishes he could work less and be with the kids more. He hears Kerry’s statements as blame of what a horrible job he’s doing as a parent and is reminded of all the times people have told him how he should live. Leo finds himself getting angry and defensive. He wants to share with Kerry how she needs to change.

Just like a shoot out in the old west, Kerry and Leo are in a stand off, both needing some empathy, both wishing the other would be more like the person they want.

The key to reverse this pattern of disconnection is to learn how to self edit your thoughts.

Your partner doesn’t need to hear all your “should” thoughts about them. When Kerry sits down and hears herself say, “Leo should give the kids more of his attention,” she can begin to identify that she’s in reaction and that she’s feeling exhausted and needing some support.

From this place Kerry can take accountability, share what she feels and needs with Leo and then make a request for what would ease the situation for her.

Monday Mindfulness on “Shoulding” the Parent of Your Kids

*Bring some mindful awareness to when you use the word “should” about your co-parent. Start with just noticing how your body feels when you use this word.

*Flip the switch on the should and see if you can find the place where you appreciate the other parent of your children. Take a moment and fill in the blanks. When I see you (doing some action ) I feel (some postive feeling) because it meets my need for (some important need). Click Here to Download a Feelings and Needs Sheet

*Remember that names hurt as much if not more than sticks and stones. See if you can slow down enough to hear your thoughts before sharing them aloud.

Have you ever seen a flower growing out of a crack in the sidewalk?

Isn’t it amazing that some construction company will lay cement, spend hours smoothing it down, and, yet, with enough time, a seedling will find the one hairline crack and grow there, turning its face in the direction of the sun?

I say amazing because how does that flower ever find the courage to keep pushing its way through to the light, creating more and more space for itself?

That’s how it sometimes feels to me, as a parent, when my heart hurts and all I want to do is shut down and, still, I know that my biggest challenge is to stay open and vulnerable to my children so that, like that seed in the dark, I can grow.

As you know, if you have been following along in the Monday Morning Minute, this is a dark time for me.

My wife and I have separated and it has not been so easy to find the light when my mind begins to race trying to understand why this is happening. There are times when all I can see is darkness.

What can I do in those times? How do I re-find my way?

One thing that helps enormously is to go Pronoic. This is one of the ways that I turn toward the sun.

Rob Brezsny has written a fabulous book called Pronoia. Rob has discovered that rowdy bliss is the way to break the patterns of doom and gloom.

It is not easy to go against the cultural grain to befriend enemies and bring humor to intensely painful situation.

Going Pronoic is the opposite of getting paranoid. It is the fundamental belief that the whole world is conspiring to shower you with blessings.

I’ve been successfully experimenting with going pronoic as a transition into the possibility of divorce.

In the past few months, I’ve felt the darkness swallow me. I’ve blamed, guilted, and been the victim. However the real light in the darkness has come when I’ve written a love poem to my self, laughed for a full minute everyday, and even sent my separated wife gifts and notes of kindness.

By shifting the energy of anger, aggression, and disconnection, I’m learning I can find gratitude and fun in the most painful of moments.

As a busy parent you are challenged daily with balancing the needs of your child with your own needs. There are many times you can get stuck in your story that there isn’t enough time, your child is too sensitive, and your life has become tragic.

Monday Mindfulness to Going Pronoic this Week

-Call a friend and invite them to laugh with you for a full sixty seconds everyday for one week. At first this sounds incredibly strained but, with time, you realize that there is actually some real laughter is mixed in there, and, at the end of the minute, something has shifted.

-A very high percentage of people report that their biggest life challenges are also the same events they are most grateful for later in life. Pretend you don’t need to wait and make a list of 5 things you’re grateful about in this current life challenge.

-Draw a picture of your anger and frustration and send it to Angst Incineration Crew, P.O. Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915. They’ll burn your picture to ash and send you some loving vibes.

Pema Chodron has a humorous and honest way of bringing compassion and kindness no matter what path you’re walking on.

She illuminates how we can use anger as a teacher and walk away from old reactions in her auidobook “Don’t Bite the Hook.”

Listen as she translates the timeless teaching of 8th Century Poet Shantideva.

Click Here to Listen

If you’re interested you can find the audio program here.