New Research on Self Esteem
During an interview, an American vipassana teacher asked the Dalai Lama to talk about the suffering of self-hatred. The Dalai Lama look confused and asked, “What is self-hatred?”
The interviewer and a room full of therapists shared that self-hatred was rather a common experience in the Western culture.
The Dalai Lama was rather astonished, wondering how anyone could feel that way about themselves, when “everybody has Buddha nature.”
Yet this is such a common experience for many of us, that we are almost bewildered by the Dalai Lama’s statement.
Most of us experienced criticism at a young age. Our teachers, parents, and siblings made comments that stimulated thoughts of not belonging or not doing things the “right” way.
These thoughts often turned into a habit of self criticism which negatively impacted our self esteem.
Like generations before us, when it came to parenting our own children, we have wanted to do it differently.
In the past decade many parenting books and experts indicated that the way to turn this low self esteem around was to reward kids and acknowledge them often.
The idea was that if you focused on your kids, above all else, that they would be happy. This was the path to creating high self esteem. What we want for our kids, of course, is for them to feel good about themselves and to feel good about others.
But this wasn’t so successful either. New research shows that kids who are raised with unconditional approval are not very sensitive to others, often do not work well as part of a team and develop moral and ethical challenges.
So what is the answer?
Instead of thinking in a context of yourself or your kids as low or high self esteem or good or bad parenting, remember that, like Buddha nature, you can become aware and conscious of truly connecting with your kids.
Connection is the answer, bringing awareness back to the present moment and trusting yourself.
This means being physically and emotionally available, and at the same time being able to set appropriate limits and guiding your kids towards autonomy and sensitivity to others.
Monday Mindfulness for create healthy self esteem:
-Zip it. See if you can catch yourself from being a helicopter parent. Take some breaths, don’t respond, and see if a few minutes of silence has your child redirect on their own without input from you.
-Check into your own self worth. If you tend to be critical of yourself, chances are you are being critical to those around you, as well. Take some time to unwind and remember that you are indeed a good person.
-Learn to identify feelings and needs vocabulary with your kids. This will allow the family to increase your emotional intelligence levels and communicate what’s alive when breakdown does occur.
Click Here for a List of Feelings and Universal Needs
Parenting in a world filled with time constraints can leave you depleted and overwhelmed. You don’t want to force or control your child, but you need some relief from the constant struggles. Here's the good news: No matter what challenges you face as a family, you can find ways to connect. Read More
