Free To Be Parents

A decade ago Bill Cosby had a show on TV entitled, “Kids Say The Darndest Things.”

Each week Bill would ask a question of a 3-8 year old who would respond in a silly, funny, or often profound way. Being a parent, it’s not hard to imagine all that can come out of a child’s mouth.

Just last week, my daughter, Sierra, was asked by a family friend what the word “peace” meant to her. She stopped walking, stared that friend in the eye and said, “Well it’s when I’m angry and I relax my body and let all the good stuff in.”

Like me, I’m certain that there has been several times where your child has said something which stimulated laughter, silliness, or even taught you a lesson about life. However, there are other times that children say words that are sharp and stinging.

Recently, a parent shared with me that his son has started saying, “I hate you Daddy!”

What do we do when are child throws a verbal dagger?

As a parent it can be extremely difficult to not verbally shove back when you’re assaulted.

“You spoiled brat, if only you knew how much I sacrifice for you,” comes to mind.

Yet, this defensiveness creates disconnection when we retaliate and can even reinforce a habitually addiction to try and control and dominate a child for their words.

In compassionate communication it’s helpful to look past what the child is saying and guess what they are feeling and needing.

Since a verbal assault can knock us off center so easily, it can be helpful to practice with an exercise called Jackal* Popcorn.

This is where you find another adult to role play being your child and the two of you practice verbal attacks hurled at you. You can give your adult friend the context of your relationship with your child and a few phrases that your child might use.

Your job is to hear what your child is feeling and needing.

Child: “You suck as a parent, you never let me do anything.”

You: “I’m guessing you’re aggravated and really needing some autonomy.”

Child: “I hate you.”

You: “Are you disappointed that we’re not having some fun with just you and me?”

Child: “You care more about my sister than me.”

You: “Sounds like your sad and needing some fairness.”

Monday Mindfulness to Jackal* Popcorn

-If you find yourself triggered during the exercise with your friend, take some time and give yourself empathy then come back to guessing the feeling and need your child may be experiencing.

-You may be stunned or even irate at a phrase your child says to you. As difficult as it may be, try not to retaliate with words. Take some space and get yourself grounded and centered before responding.

-Remember your child’s verbal nastiness is an ineffective strategy to reach out for love and connection. Just like a tennis player returning a volley, with practice you’ll be able to give a grounded swing no matter how hard that verbal ball is thrown towards you.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.

Parenting in a world filled with time constraints can leave you depleted and overwhelmed. You don’t want to force or control your child, but you need some relief from the constant struggles. Here's the good news: No matter what challenges you face as a family, you can find ways to connect. Read More